smoothing the wobble

i've battled bouts of shyness since i was a child.  i was a creative, quiet, artistic bookworm, yet i was also athletic, and always part of a team atmosphere.  Mid-gradeschool, i started to cultivate a crazy self-consciousness that's taken me years to shake.  However, I always have been and continue to push myself into situations and towards goals that demand a more gregarious persona than my usual low-key self. I can gather up my resources, cheerlead my inner strength, psych myself up - which sometimes involves a sushi dinner, but most importantly, I take a deep breath and GO FOR IT. Last year, I filmed an episode of an HGTV show that I'm really proud of.

here's a horror story of mine from an earlier time. one of my first real jobs was working as a designer and public relations coordinator for a ski resort. my design skills and writing skills were solid, but my pr savvy was a bit sketchy. I was sent to a seminar with senior management folks from ski resorts across the US for a public relations crisis response prep session. The imaginary scenario was that a terrible accident had happened at your resort and there was a media frenzy unfolding. The whole thing was acted out with fake journalists and you were miked and videotaped and the pressure was escalating by the second. I was a wreck, totally self-conscious in front of a room filled with slick pr old-timers who had the perfect answers, and all I had was a racing heartbeat, ringing ears, and a mind suddenly erased of any knowledge.  Standing under hot lights, I managed to grasp a lame sentence from thin air, but I could barely speak!  My voice was thin, wobbly--that is not how I wanted to sound!  More importantly, that was not where i wanted to be, feeling deeply embarrassed and stupid, completely bombing. 

One of the seminar leaders had told me earlier, recognizing my struggles, to take a deep breath, but that day, that was beyond me.  I myself was in crisis mode.  Anyway, a few weeks later, the videotape of my crash+burn arrived in the mail, everyone was sent their rolls "to review and see what points you can improve on."  I had that tape in my possession, unopened- of course I couldn't bear to see my epic self consciousness- until it resurfaced a few years ago in a move. I took a deep breath. and threw it away.

Sometimes there will be a student in a yoga class, trying for dear life to hang onto a pose, clenching and wobbling like crazy. "don't forget to breathe" I say. Because deep breathing smooths the wobble.  But sometimes that takes time.  Especially if you're in crisis mode.